Bite Me, Bambi
by Lord Gargoyle
Summary: The really really bad, english-class-memeber endorsed version of A MIDSUMMER NIGHTS DREAM. Terribly terrible, reveiws appreciated. PG for a bit of language, just a bit. A4S2 FINALLY HERE!
1. ACT 1 SCENE 1

A Midsummer Night's Dream—the Parody  
  
A load of junk that I wrote when I was stressed over learning my lines as Helena (for one scene—some people got away with "Here Peter Quince" and "Cobweb, sir" or whatever. Damn them!)   
  
DISCLAIMER—I don't own any of Shakespeare's works, and in fact he didn't even have a right to produce them. Ha! English does pay off………  
  
****************************************  
  
ACT 1 SCENE 1   
  
[Theseus and Hippolyta are walking around in their palace, linking arms. Theseus looks dreamy, and Hippolyta looks kind of sick.]  
  
THESEUS: Our wedding day is approaching, my darling. It'll be here in 4 days. Aren't you excited?  
  
HIPPOLYTA: Thrilled.   
  
THESEUS: Glad to hear it. Remember how I brought you to Athens?  
  
HIPPOLYTA: Yes, I was there, you know.  
  
THESEUS: [ignoring Hippolyta] I fought you and won—  
  
HIPPOLYTA: I let you win, you know.  
  
THESEUS: [ignoring Hippolyta] but I will wed you in such a different manner—  
  
HIPPOLYTA: Two sides to Theseus? I'm shocked!  
  
THESEUS: [still ignoring Hippolyta] With pomp, triumph, and reveling.   
  
[Enter Egeus, Hermia, Lysander, and Demetrius]  
  
EGEUS: Howzit, Theseus?  
  
THESEUS: Not much, dawg. Why y'all here?  
  
EGEUS: My daughter wants to marry this 'gentleman', [points to Lysander] but I want her to marry Demetrius. [Demetrius looks condescendingly at Lysander, who sticks his tongue out at him] [Egeus gets agitated] Thou, thou hast GIVEN HER RHYMES! [Everyone looks confused]  
  
LYSANDER: Calm down, old man! No need to get irritated.  
  
EGEUS: You gave my daughter RHYMES! [More confused looks] Anyway, I want Hermia to die or go to a convent if she won't marry Demetrius.  
  
HERMIA: [whining] But daaaaaaaddy………  
  
THESEUS: All of you, SHUT UP! Listen, Hermia, I'm gonna give you until my wedding day, and then you are going to give me one of three answers—1, Mrs. Demetrius.  
  
EGEUS: I think he has a last name, you know.  
  
THESEUS: Ahem. 2—Become a convent girl.  
  
LYSANDER: But this is ancient Greece. Do we actually have Catholic temples in Athens?  
  
THESEUS: AHEM! Or 3—Death. You got four days, girlie.  
  
HERMIA: [whining] But daaaaaaaddy………  
  
THESEUS: Everybody, out! Hippolyta and I need to talk more about your upcoming wedding.   
  
HIPPOLYTA: Sure, honey, whatever you say.   
  
[They exit]  
  
(AUTHOR'S NOTE—I'm going to skip the scene where Hermia and Lysander talk, because it was too hard for me to create a scene, well not like that, but if you don't know, Lysander says he has an aunt who lives a bajillion miles away from everything, and that they could get married there. What about Spartans? Anyway, Hermia tells her best friend Helena, her plan. Helena LOOOVES Demetrius, who used to love her back until Hermia came into the picture, and he was just like, Helena? Who's Helena? So she's going to tell Demetrius where Hermia and Lysander went. Goddammit, this is a complicated play!)  
  
****************************************   
  
Okay, was that terrible, or was it terrible? Yeah, I thought so. Please review so I can get on with the mechanical's scene! (3 *good* reviews = continuation, 3 *bad* reviews = no continuation, no reviews = no continuation.) 


	2. ACT 1 SCENE 2

ACT 1 SCENE 2  
  
[Enter Quince, Snug, Flute, Snout, and Starveling]  
  
QUINCE: Are we all here?  
  
[Enter Bottom]  
  
BOTTOM: You should call them all by name to make sure we're all here. [Snickers from the others]  
  
QUINCE: There are only 6 of us, including me. It's not that hard to count.  
  
BOTTOM: Shut up. First, good Peter Quince, say what the play treats on, then read the names of the actors, and so grow to a point.  
  
QUINCE: Marry, our play is the most lamentable comedy, and most cruel death of Pyramus and Thisbe.  
  
BOTTOM: Who and who? Lamentable comedy? Huh?  
  
QUINCE: About a guy and a girl who both die.  
  
BOTTOM: Ohhhhh.  
  
QUINCE: Answer as I call you. Nick Bottom, the weaver?  
  
BOTTOM: Ready. Name what part I am for, and proceed.  
  
QUINCE: You, Nick Bottom, are set down for Pyramus.  
  
BOTTOM: Isn't Pyramus a girl?  
  
QUINCE: a-HEM. Pyramus is a lover, that kills himself most gallant for love.  
  
BOTTOM: Oh. That will ask some tears in the true performing of it: if I do it, let the audience look to their eyes; I will move storms, I will condole in some measure. To the rest: yet my chief humor is for a tyrant: I could play Ercles rarely, or a part to tear a cat in, to make all split.  
  
STARVELING: Peter Quince, sir?  
  
QUINCE: Yes, Starveling?  
  
BOTTOM: [totally ignoring Quince and Starveling]  
  
The raging rocks  
  
And shivering shocks  
  
Shall break the locks  
  
Of prison gates;  
  
STARVELING: Does Mr. Bottom always act like this?  
  
BOTTOM: [still totally ignoring Quince and Starveling]  
  
And Phibbus' car  
  
Shall shine from far  
  
And make and mar  
  
The foolish Fates.  
  
QUINCE: Sadly, yes.  
  
BOTTOM: This was lofty! Now name the rest of the players.  
  
QUINCE: Francis Flute, the bellows-mender.  
  
FLUTE: Here, Peter Quince!  
  
QUINCE: Flute, you are going to play Thisbe.  
  
FLUTE: Is Thisbe a knight?  
  
QUINCE: They don't allow girls to be knights, Silly.  
  
FLUTE: [whining] But I don't wanna be a girl! I have a beard!  
  
BOTTOM: No you don't.  
  
FLUTE: Hey!  
  
QUINCE: You can play it in a mask.  
  
BOTTOM: I wanna be Thisbe too! And I'll speak in a monstrous little voice.  
  
QUINCE: Oh boy.  
  
BOTTOM: Thisne, thisne! 'Ah, Pyramus, lover dear! thy Thisby dear, and lady dear!'  
  
QUINCE: No, you [points to Bottom] must play Pyramus, and you [points to Flute] must play Thisbe.  
  
BOTTOM: Go on then.  
  
QUINCE: Robin Starveling, the Tailor.  
  
STARVELING: here, Peter Quince.  
  
QUINCE: Robin Starveling, you must play Thisby's mother. Tom Snout, the tinker.  
  
SNOUT: Here, Peter Quince.  
  
QUINCE: You, Pyramus' father: myself, Thisby's father: Snug, the joiner; you, the lion's part: and, I hope, here is a play fitted.  
  
SNUG: Do you have the Lion's part written?  
  
QUINCE: It's just roaring.  
  
BOTTOM: I wanna be the lion, too! I Will roar like they have never heard before! And the duke will say, let him roar again. Let him roar again!  
  
QUINCE: You will do it too terribly and they would hang us all. Anyway, you are perfect to play Pyramus.  
  
BOTTOM: What beard should I wear?  
  
QUINCE: Whatever one you like. Masters, here are your parts: and I am to entreat you, request you and desire you, to con them by to-morrow night; and meet me in the palace wood, a mile without the town, by moonlight; there will we rehearse, for if we meet in the city, we shall be dogged with company, and our devices known. In the meantime I will draw a bill of properties, such as our play wants. I pray you, fail me not.  
  
BOTTOM: We will meet; and there we may rehearse most obscenely and courageously.  
  
QUINCE: Obscenely?  
  
BOTTOM: Enough. Hold, or cut bowstrings.  
  
[ALL EXIT]  
  
Hah. I decided to write more anyway. La la la.next chapter sometime in the millenium! 


	3. ACT 2 SCENE 1

ACT 2 SCENE 1  
  
PUCK: Yo, dawg! Whatup?  
  
FAIRY: Er. . . Okay. I'm fine, yo. How 'bout you?  
  
PUCK: Not much. Whatcha been up to lately?  
  
FAIRY: [gets mystical voice] Been wandering throughout the bushes  
  
Briers, Park, pale-  
  
PUCK: [interrupting] Don't you mean 'pail'?  
  
FAIRY: No. Shut up and listen. [resumes mystical voice]  
  
Through fire and flood  
  
I wander everywhere.  
  
Swifter than the moon's sphere  
  
And I serve the fairy queen,  
  
To dew her orbs upon the green  
  
Farewell, thou lob of spirits, I'll be gone  
  
Our queen and all our elves come here anon.  
  
PUCK: Wait-wait-wait a minute. [mystical voice]  
  
The King doth keep his revels here tonight,  
  
Take heed the queen come not within his sight. [Drops mystical voice]  
  
Because they're having an absolutely dreadful fight over some silly little boy that Titania has that Oberon wants and It gets QUITE irritating to here him yammer on and on about how stupid Titania is been and how he deserves the child as his "henchman" and I'm like-  
  
FAIRY: [interrupting] Say, aren't you that crazy little sprite named Robin Goodfellow, also called 'Puck'?  
  
PUCK: Yah. You could have asked, though, if you didn't know.  
  
FAIRY: Hm. . . You are pretty hot. . .  
  
PUCK: Yes, I know. But hark!  
  
FAIRY: Hark?  
  
PUCK: Yes, hark, for here cometh my master!  
  
FAIRY: And my mistress! Let's run away and elope!  
  
PUCK: The elope part is a new thing, but I get that a lot! Let's go!  
  
[Puck and Fairy exit] [Titania and Oberon enter]  
  
OBERON: Ill met by moonlight, proud Titania.  
  
TITANIA: Jealous Oberon, are you SNARKING at me? Fairies, skip hence!  
  
[Fairies proceed to skip randomly about. Oberon laughs.]  
  
TITANIA: [angrily] What are you doing?!  
  
COBWEB: You told us to skip, duh!  
  
TITANIA: I MEANT GO! JUST GO!  
  
MUSTARDSEED: You could have just said that, mistress, duh!  
  
[Oberon is still laughing hysterically on the ground]  
  
TITANIA: [goes all glowy like Galadriel in FOTR] I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE . . . NOW!!!!!  
  
PEASEBLOSSOM: We are sorry mistress! We will first cower in fear of you and then leave! [Fairies cower, Oberon is wheezing on the ground, Fairies leave, Titania returns to normal]  
  
TITANIA: Ahem . . . what were we talking about?  
  
OBERON: [Coughing, wheezing, snorting] Tarry, [cough] rash wanton-  
  
TITANIA: [indignantly] I am NOT a wonton!  
  
OBERON: It's wAnton, with an 'a', say it with me, W-a-nton, w-a-nton-  
  
TITANIA: would you shut up?!  
  
OBERON: You are the one who brought it up . . .  
  
TITANIA: Humph. You are so jealous of Theseus, aren't you? Because he gets to marry Hippolyta and you don't!  
  
OBERON: Oh, shut up! You are so smitten by Theseus! Every bleedin' night, [puts on high-pitched girly voice] 'Theseus, oh Theseus!"  
  
TITANIA: Ooh, well at least he's cute, not like that old BAG, Hippolyta!  
  
OBERON: She is NOT an old bag!  
  
PUCK: [sticks head out from behind bush] AHEM, plot, please! [girly giggle behind him] Uh . . . I have to go. [disappears]  
  
OBERON: I hate it when he does that.  
  
TITANIA: Don't look at me.  
  
OBERON: You know, we'd stop fighting if you just gave me that boy . . .  
  
TITANIA: oh, fat chance! That's my friend's kid! She's kinda dead, so I'm watching the kid until he is 16 and licensed to drive!  
  
OBERON: So . . . how long are you gonna be here?  
  
TITANIA: Just till Theseus-the-handsome-hot-hunk-  
  
OBERON: Ahem.  
  
TITANIA: Oh. Sorry. Just until Theseus' wedding day.  
  
OBERON: I'll leave if you give me the child!  
  
TITANIA: Hm . . . Let me think about it. Uh, no.  
  
[Titania exits]  
  
OBERON: Puck, get over here and stop flirting with that fairy!  
  
PUCK: [sticks head out from bush and is covered in lipstick marks] Flirting? We eloped!  
  
OBERON: [sighs] Whatever. Just get over here!  
  
PUCK: What is it, oh insanely-jealous-of-Theseus-one?  
  
OBERON: You know the whole dealio with Cupids magic flowers?  
  
PUCK: [excitedly] Can I have some to charm all the ladies in the woods?  
  
OBERON: NO. Just get me some.  
  
PUCK: Why?  
  
OBERON: So I can put some on a sleeping Titania. Then she's gonna fall [girly voice] madly in love [drops girly voice] with whatever she sees next.  
  
PUCK: Cool, sir!  
  
OBERON: Thank you Dean.  
  
PUCK: I'm Robin. You fired Dean last week.  
  
OBERON: Right. Of course.  
  
PUCK: Adios! [Exits]  
  
OBERON: Heh heh heh . . . wait a sec! Who's coming? I AM INVISIBLE! [creates huge bang with lots of smoke, smoke clears, Oberon is covered in soot and not invisible] Let's try that again . . . I AM INVISIBLE! [huge bang, Oberon is now invisible] [Enter Demetrius and Helena, running]  
  
DEMETRIUS: I don't love you, so go away! Do you know where Lysander and Hermia are?  
  
HELENA: I would say, "NO, goddammit, you idiot, I only lured you into the forest so you would like me," but since I am so smitten with you I will just be your spaniel.  
  
DEMETRIUS: Nah, I'm more of a fan of the great Dane . . .  
  
HELENA: I'm tall!!!  
  
DEMETRIUS: Just looking at you makes me sick!  
  
HELENA: I'm sick when I look at you! Wait, no . . .  
  
DEMETRIUS: Ha! Now GO AWAY! [runs in a circle]  
  
HELENA: I will follow you! [follows Demetrius]  
  
[Helena and Demetrius proceed to run around randomly until they exit]  
  
[Puck enters, Oberon attempts to be visible again]  
  
PUCK: Uh, sir?  
  
OBERON: [angrily] I can't get this thing to work properly!  
  
PUCK: Was that lady one of your love interests sir? Cuz if not . . .  
  
OBERON: Only sorta. I feel sorry for her. Put some of that Magic Flower in his eyes so he'll fall in love wit her. Got it?  
  
PUCK: [Salutes] Yessir!  
  
{END}  
  
*******  
  
Whoosh! More later!  
  
THANK YOU TO TAMZIN, they will stick their tongues out at each other again, I promise.  
  
THANK YOU TO AILERON1, I hope this is a remedy for boring school work.  
  
THANK YOU TO HERMIA, "but daddyyy . . ." 


	4. ACT 2 SCENE 2

ACT 2 SCENE 2  
  
{Another part of the forest, Titania is getting ready to sleep in an unusual fashion . . . let's take a look, shall we? Here, Titania is lying with a pillow on her head . . . let us investigate on why . . . }  
  
TITANIA: Because you are so LOUD, you idiotic narrator!  
  
{Well, excuse me!}  
  
TITANIA: Yeah, that's right! Wait, since when have we had a narrator?  
  
{Er . . . well . . . }  
  
TITANIA: Get him, fairies!  
  
[Fairies try to attack narrator]  
  
{Well, if this is the way you're going to treat me, fine! Fine, I'll leave!}  
  
[Narrator leaves, peace returns to the fairies]  
  
TITANIA: Okay. My head aches now.  
  
COBWEB: Do you want a massage?  
  
TITANIA: A HEAD ache, not a NECK ache. Please, sing me to sleep.  
  
MUSTARDSEED: Won't that make your headache worse?  
  
TITANIA: No! JUST SING A FREAKIN' SONG, OR YOU'RE ALL FIRED!  
  
FAIRIES: [grumbling] Lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby, lulla lulla lullaby . . .  
  
[Titania falls asleep]  
  
MOTH: Okay, y'all! Now that THAT's done, let's go party at Puck's place!  
  
PEASEBLOSSOM: But we should leave a guard . . .  
  
MOTH: Talk about guilty conscience . . . fine, you stay behind. Everybody else-I hear he has a disco ball! [Everyone cheers]  
  
[Exit all fairies except Peaseblossom]  
  
PEASEBLOSSOM: You know what? [Looks at Titania] I would so rather be at a party then watching mistress sleep . . . [Titania is snoring and drooling and twitching] for obvious reasons . . . oh, well, if she gets eaten by a bear . . . [exits laughing]  
  
OBERON (disembodied voice): I AM VISIBLE! [huge, smokey bang] Ooh, damnit. I AM VISIBLE! [huge, smokey bang, Oberon appears covered in soot] I should get this thing checked on. [Takes out Cupid's flower] Mwa ha ha, When you wake, you will fall [girly voice] madly in love [regular voice] with whatever you see, be it birdie or beastie or even Puck!  
  
PUCK (from bushes) : WhAT??  
  
OBERON: Just kidding. So, [puts flower nectar in Titania's eyes] wakey wakey when something . . . something . . .  
  
PUCK (from bushes): Vile, sir!  
  
OBERON: Yes! Of course! Away, my trusty steed! [acts like he is on a horse as Puck comes out of bushes with two empty coconuts] Away! [clip-clopping sounds fade into distance]  
  
[Enter Lysander and Hermia]  
  
LYSANDER: Lovey, you look exhausted. Let's rest.  
  
HERMIA: Of course I'm exhausted, we've been running for hours.  
  
LYSANDER: Ooh! Ooh! Let's sleep together.  
  
HERMIA: Why do you sound so excited?! We're not even married yet! Get a room, please!  
  
LYSANDER: [taken aback] I didn't mean like THAT.  
  
HERMIA: [sigh] Whatever. I just don't wanna sleep next to you yet, 'kay? I still love you, you know. [moves 10 yards away]  
  
LYSANDER: Yeah, I know.  
  
HERMIA: You riddle very prettily.  
  
LYSANDER: What?  
  
HERMIA: Just go to sleep, dear.  
  
[Lysander and Hermia fall asleep] [Puck enters]  
  
PUCK: [singing] La-la-la, still haven't found that Athenian la-a-aaaad! And his lovely la-a-aaaaass! And when I find the-e-eeeem, that Athenian la-a- aaaaad will get some nectar in his eye-e-eeeeees! And he will-[sees Lysander and Hermia] Oh! There's the Athenian Lad! And his lovely girl! Hm . . . I thought they didn't like each other much . . . Well, they are sleeping far apart . . . Ha! [thwacks Lysander with flower, getting nectar in his eyes] You Lack-love! Kill-courtesy! You Churl! So awake when I am gone, for I must now to Oberon! [disappears, makes 'poof' noise]  
  
[Demetrius and Helena run into clearing]  
  
HELENA: Stay, though thou kill me, sweet Demetrius.  
  
DEMETRIUS: Bite me!  
  
HELENA: O, wilt thou darkling leave me? Do not so!  
  
DEMETRIUS: No way, man! Er . . . woman! I'm leaving! Stay if you really want to! [he leaves]  
  
HELENA: You know what? What is wrong with him! I'm just as pretty as Hermia, but he doesn't see me as more than an evil . . . thing! [stomps around, trips over Lysander] OWW!!! Hey, this is Lysander! But where the fork is Hermia? Hey . . . Is Lysander DEAD?! [shakes Lysander vigorously] WAKE UP!!  
  
LYSANDER: [waking up] Oww, you stupid . . . Helena! [makes goo-goo mushy eyes] Helena . . . What a beautiful name!  
  
HELENA: [disturbed] Uh . . . Lysander?  
  
LYSANDER: Yes, my love?  
  
HELenA: Ooooookay. What is wrong with your eyes?  
  
LYSANDER: Nothing, my dear! [realizes something] Demetrius! O, how fit a word is that vile name to perish on my sword! [waves sword wildly about, almost taking Helena's head off] Sorry, love.  
  
HELENA: But you love Hermia!  
  
LYSANDER: Psh. Whatever. I do not love that loser. I love you! [makes more goo-goo mushy eyes]  
  
HELENA: [really angrily] OKAY! YOU STUPID JERK-OFF! STOP . . . TORMENTING . . . ME!!! YOU . . . LOVE . . . HERMIA! GOT IT???!!!  
  
LYSANDER: [meekly] Yes, mam! [under breath] Gorgeous mam . . .  
  
HELENA: I HEARD THAT!!! [flounces off]  
  
LYSANDER: That poor girl. Beautiful, yes, but poor. She didn't see Hermia. Oh, well, she gave me a stomachache, anyhow. So stay there! Got it? Stay there!  
  
HERMIA: [Snoring] zzzzz . . .  
  
LYSANDER: Excellent! I must now go honor Helena! With . . . This! [waves sword around] [does war cry] OOOGa-BOOOGa-BOOOGA!!! [runs off yelling]  
  
HERMIA: [waking up] *snort* Lysander! Help! I'm drowning in footwear! Uh . . . Lysander? Hello? Damnit, he ALWAYS does this . . . Fine. I'll go look for him. [exits]  
  
Whoo! Didja like? Review, por flavor! (PS; the drowning in footwear thing is from BtVS, I had to watch the last eppy, and I saw that and laughed for 3 minutes and totally did NOT listen to Buffy . . . She's lame, anyhow.) Thanks to the minimal people who reviewed! Kisses! (Hershey's, that is!) 


	5. ACT 3 SCENE 1

(QUIk-E AUTHOR'S NOTE-I know I haven't been really putting disclaimers on the chappies, so it's in the 1st one, FYI. But I am happy with this story! Huzzah!)  
  
ACT 3 SCENE 1  
  
[TITANIA is lying asleep, GUARDLESS, in the background. QUINCE, SNUG, BOTTOM, FLUTE, SNOUT, and STARVELING come in, and are very oblivious to TITANIA]  
  
BOTTOM: Ooh! I know what 'oblivious' means!  
  
[No you don't. Shut up and get back to the story.]  
  
BOTTOM: Awww . . . Damn! Uh . . .  
  
EVERYONE ELSE: Er . . .  
  
BOTTOM: Right. Are we all here?  
  
QUINCE: Pat, pat-  
  
[Everyone else starts to pat Snug on the head]  
  
QUINCE: What the heck is WRONG with you people?!  
  
BOTTOM: I'm not sure . . .  
  
QUINCE: (to himself) Why me? (To everyone else) Right! Isn't this a convenient place to rehearse? I mean . . . [points over to where Titania is] look! A perfect stage!  
  
BOTTOM: Uh . . . Good Peter Quince?  
  
QUINCE: WHAT????  
  
BOTTOM: [pompously] Well, there are some things that just AREN'T appropriate for royalty, you know . . .  
  
QUINCE: [steam coming out of his ears and nostrils] Like . . . what?  
  
BOTTOM: Like when Pyramus stabs himself . . . what if I frighten the ladies?  
  
QUINCE: [sighs] Is that all?  
  
SNOUT: A perilous fear, by a larkin!  
  
QUINCE: [sighs] No, snout, it's 'By'r lakin, a parlous fear.'  
  
SNOUT: Sorry. By a larkin, a perilous fear!  
  
QUINCE: Whatever.  
  
STARVLING: I believe we must leave the killing out.  
  
QUINCEP: Hey hey hey! WHO is the director here?  
  
STARVILING: But you heard Bottom! What if he frightens the ladies?  
  
BOTTOM: Not a whit: I have a device to make all well. Write me a prologue; and let the prologue seem to say, we will do no harm with our swords, and that Pyramus is not killed indeed; and, for the more better assurance, tell them that I, Pyramus, am not Pyramus, but Bottom the weaver: this will put them out of fear.  
  
QUINCE: [under breath] It will also ruin the whole play. (to everyone else) Right. I'll write one in 8 and 6.  
  
BOTTOM: No! MORE!  
  
QUINCE: [sighs] Okay. 8 and 8, how's that?  
  
BOTTOM: Snazzy.  
  
SNOUT: Won't the ladies be 'fraid of the lion?  
  
STARVILING: Yes! It's beyond terrifying!  
  
BOTTOM: Yes! IT would be terrible! Horrifying! Dreadful!  
  
SNOUT: So . . . we write another prologue?  
  
BOTTOM: Yes! Excellent! You are truly on your way to greatness, Snout.  
  
SNOUT: [beams]  
  
BOTTOM: And in this prologue, say that you are Snout, not a lion, and have your face showing. Something like that. What do you think, Peter Quince?  
  
QUINCE: [has head in hands] Go away.  
  
BOTTOM: [coaxing] Come on, aren't you our director?  
  
QUINCE: [normal] Yes! I am. Ha! I triumph! Anyway . . . we have a bunch of problems.  
  
FLUTE: Like what?  
  
QUINCE: How do we get moonlight? Pyramus and Thisbe meet by moonlight.  
  
BOTTOM: Quick! Find an almanac! FIND AN ALMANAC!!  
  
FLUTE: Why?  
  
BOTTOM: SO we can see if the moon shines that night!  
  
[Everyone randomly races around looking for an almanac, unaware that in a wood it's pretty hard to find a book, and also unaware that Quince has one.]  
  
QUINCE: [looking at book] It does shine that night. Full moon, in fact.  
  
BOTTOM: How would YOU know, Mr. BossyBoots!  
  
[Quince holds up Almanac]  
  
BOTTOM: Oh. Anyway . . . we'll open a window! Then moonlight will shine through!  
  
QUINCE: OR someone could dress up with a bush of thorns and carry around a lanthorn-  
  
BOTTOM: Lantern.  
  
QUINCE: Whatever. 'Lantern' and say they're the man in the moon.  
  
SNOUT: But isn't the lantern the moon?  
  
QUINCE: Shut up, inferior human. They also need a chink in a wall to speak through/  
  
SNOUT: But you can't bring a wall into the Duke's house!  
  
QUINCE: I thought I told you to shut up, inferior human!  
  
BOTTOM: We can have a PERSON be the wall! Boy, am I smart! [odd banging noise] Why does my ego always do that? Anyway . . . he can hold is fingers like this [grabs Snout's hand and makes him do the 'OK' sign] And that's the chink!  
  
QUINCE: Yes, can we practice now?!  
  
[Puck comes in, invisible]  
  
PUCK: Woo! Some party . . . [spots Quince and the others attempting to start rehearsal] What random people . . . Ooh! This looks like a play! But so close to Titania? [thinks] Oh, well, not MY fault. Let's watch! [sits down]  
  
QUINCE: Okey-dokey, here we go.  
  
BOTTOM: 'Thisbe, the flowers of odious savors sweet-'  
  
QUINCE: 'Odors', you fool!  
  
BOTTOM: Whatever. 'Odors savors sweet,  
  
So hath thy breath, my dearest Thisbe dear,  
  
But hark! A voice! Stay thou but here awhile,  
  
And by and by I will to thee appear.' [Swaggers off]  
  
PUCK: That was priceless. [follows Bottom]  
  
FLUTE: Is it my turn yet?  
  
QUINCE: [sarcastically] No.  
  
[Flute does nothing for a while]  
  
QUINCE: What are you waiting for?!  
  
FLUTE: You said it wasn't my turn.  
  
QUINCE: Just go.  
  
FLUTE: 'Most radiant Pyramus, most lily-white of hue,  
  
Of color like the red rose on triumphant brier,  
  
Most brisky juvenal and eke most lovely Jew,  
  
As true as truest horse that yet would never tire,  
  
I'll meet thee, Pyramus, at Ninny's tomb.'  
  
QUINCE: 'Ninus' tomb, not Ninny's! Honestly! And you aren't supposed to say that all at once! Pyramus, er, Bottom? You missed your cue. Get in here!  
  
FLUTE: Oh, as true as truest horse that yet would never tire . . .  
  
[Enter Puck laughing and Bottom with a donkey's head]  
  
BOTTOM: If I were fair, Thisbe, I were only thine.  
  
ALL BUT PUCK AND BOTTOM: AUGH!!!!  
  
BOTTOM: What? Is my beauty THAT stunning?  
  
QUINCE: IT'S A MONSTER! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIVES!!!  
  
ALL BUT PUCK AND BOTTOM: RUN AWAAAAAY!  
  
[all exit but Puck and Bottom]  
  
PUCK: Now THAT was priceless . . . don't worry, Mr. Donkey head-er, I mean, Bottom, I'll follow you . . . everywhere! HA HA HA! [thinks] But not to the toilet and I will be in a different form each time. [disappears]  
  
BOTTOM: Why the heck are they running away? COME BACK HERE!!!  
  
[Snout runs crazily into clearing, tripping over Titania]  
  
SNOUT: Stupid shrub! [Titania snorts] Ah! Bottom! Your head . . .  
  
BOTTOM: [sarcastically] What, it's a donkey's head?  
  
SNOUT: HE KNOWS!!! HE KNOWS!!! [runs crazily out of clearing]  
  
BOTTOM: Hmm . . . they're trying to make an ass out of me! Well, guess what, I'm handsome, I'm not afraid, but most importantly, I CAN SING! [breaks into really bad scratchy horrible song]  
  
The ousel coooooock so black of huuuuuuuuuue  
  
With orange-tawney biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil  
  
The thro-o-o-o-stile with his not so truuuuuuuuuue  
  
The wren with little qui-I-I-Illlll!  
  
TITANIA: [awaking] What beautiful music! I will find the singer!  
  
BOTTOM: the finch, the sparrow and the laaaaaaaaark!  
  
The plain-song coooookoooo graaaaaaaaaay-  
  
TITANIA: Hey! Hey you! Beautiful, hot man!  
  
BOTTOM: Yes, yes, I know, no autographs now please, well, maybe just one . . .  
  
TITANIA: I LOVE YOU! [hugs Bottom, crushing his ribs]  
  
BOTTOM: [choking] Methinks, woman, you just met me, how could you love me?  
  
TITANIA: [smitten] You are as wise as you are beautiful!  
  
BOTTOM: Yes, I know, but I gotta leave the forest to catch my good for nothing friends!  
  
TITANIA: I won't hear of it! Peaseblossom! Cobweb! Moth! Mustardseed! GET OVER HERE NOW!!!  
  
FAIRIES: What.  
  
TITANIA: Look at this gorgeous gentleman. Isn't he delicious?  
  
COBWEB: Er . . . his head . . .  
  
TITANIA: [gets all glowy like Galadriel] ISN'T HE HANDSOME?!?  
  
FAIRIES: [cowering] Yes, mistress! He is!  
  
TITANIA: Now tend to his every whim. [strokes Bottom's ears]  
  
BOTTOM: What are you're names?  
  
COBWEB: Cobweb.  
  
BOTTOM: Ha. HA! If I ever cut my finger, I could use you as a Band-Aid!  
  
COBWEB: Those haven't been invented yet . . .  
  
TITANIA: DON'T DISAGREE WITH HIM!  
  
COBWEB: Yes, ma'am.  
  
PEASEBLOSSOM: My name is Peaseblossom.  
  
BOTTOM: Nifty. Give my regards to Mommy Squash and Poppa Peascod.  
  
PEASEBLOSSM: My mom's name was Allis-  
  
TITANIA: SILENCE!  
  
MUSTARDSEED: Mustardseed's my name, sir.  
  
BOTTOM: Sir! Don't you love this place?  
  
TITANIA: Yes, darling.  
  
BOTTOM: But I love mustard more.  
  
MUSTARDSEED: Uh . . .  
  
TITANIA: Come, let's go to my bed. My precious needs to sleep.  
  
[All Exit]  
  
{eNd}  
  
********  
  
Wow! 6 pages! Katronette, I hope this is up to scratch! TTFN, new chappie soon! 


	6. ACT 3 SCENE 2

ACT 3 SCENE 2  
  
[Oberon is sitting by himself, humming a little tune]  
  
OBERON: [singing] Raindrops keep falling on my head . . . do do do do . . . I wonder if Titania has awakened yet . . . do do do do . . .  
  
[Puck comes traipsing in]  
  
OBERON: Yo! How'd it go?  
  
PUCK: Okay so there are these actors, right?  
  
OBERON: Yeah . . .  
  
PUCK: And there's this one dude who plays Pyramus, right?  
  
OBERON: Yeah . . .  
  
PUCK: Well, he was so bad, I turned him into an ass! Ha!  
  
OBERON: HA! Wait, what does that have to do with anything?  
  
PUCK: I'm not sure . . . but anyway, you know Titania, right?  
  
OBERON: Of course I know her you fool! She's my wife!  
  
PUCK: [realizing] Ohhh . . . I thought you guys were just dating.  
  
OBERON: [head in hands] Ugh.  
  
PUCK: Anyway . . . this is the best part! [acts like valley girl] So she, like, wakes up, like, y'know?  
  
OBERON: [acts like valley girl] Like, omigod! Then, like, what happened, like?  
  
PUCK: Omigod, she saw Pyramus, like, with the, like, ass's head, like, y'know?  
  
OBERON: No way! Totally! Then what, like, happened?  
  
PUCK: SHE TOTALLY DUG HIM! EEEEEE!  
  
OBERON: EEEEEE!  
  
PUCK: EEEEEE!  
  
OBERON: EEEEEE!  
  
PUCK: EEEEEE!  
  
OBERON: EEE-Okay, enough of that.  
  
PUCK: EEEEE-  
  
OBERON: Shut up, Puck.  
  
PUCK: Aw . . .  
  
OBERON: But totally brilliant idea!  
  
PUCK: Like, fer shure!  
  
OBERON: Listen, you need to cut the valley girl crap, 'Kay?  
  
PUCK: Aw . . .  
  
OBERON: You put the juice in the dude's eyes, right?  
  
PUCK: Ooh! Can we talk like surfer dudes now?  
  
OBERON: What's the word I'm looking for . . . NO!  
  
PUCK: Aw . . .  
  
OBERON: So did you?  
  
PUCK: Did I what?  
  
OBERON: [angry] DID YOU PUT THE FREAKING NECTAR IN HIS FREAKING EYES?!  
  
PUCK: Duh. That's what I was supposed to do.  
  
OBERON: [steam rising from his head]  
  
[enter Hermia and Demetrius]  
  
OBERON: Dude! That's the same dude!  
  
PUCK: Yeah, man, that's the dude, dude, but not the chick, dude.  
  
OBERON: [sighs]  
  
DEMETRIUS: Dude, Lysander doesn't love you. I love you!  
  
HERMIA: I bet you killed him while he was sleeping! Poisoned him and then shot him and then ripped-  
  
DEMETRIUS: Whoa! This is a PG fic, Hermia! No evil R-rated violence!  
  
HERMIA: What are you talking about?  
  
DEMETRIUS: You don't know?  
  
HERMIA: [blank look] Anyway, I so bet you killed him!  
  
DEMETRIUS: Did not!  
  
HERMIA: Where is he then?  
  
DEMETRIUS: [shifty] Uh . . .  
  
HERMIA: HA!  
  
DEMETRIUS: But I didn't kill him!  
  
HERMIA: Then help me look for him.  
  
DEMETRIUS: No. Way. I would rather give his carcass to the ANIMALS!  
  
HERMIA: Ew! Get out, you cur! You did kill him! EW! MY LYSANDER! NOOO! [Sobs]  
  
DEMETRIUS: I didn't kill the stupid idiot!  
  
HERMIA: [still sobbing] Then help me look for him.  
  
DEMETRIUS: What's in it for me?  
  
HERMIA: You jerk-off! [exits]  
  
DEMETRIUS: Stupid . . . PG fic. Right. Must . . . not . . . swear . . . must . . . sleep . . . instead . . . [goes to sleep like a pig]  
  
PUCK: Heh heh . . . uh, oops?  
  
OBERON: [steam rising from head] You fool! You got the wrong person! GO GET the OTHER ONE!  
  
PUCK: I'm going, I'm going, look how fast I'm going! [Puck flies away]  
  
OBERON: Ugh. I need to re-hire Dean. [puts nectar in Demetrius' eyes]  
  
PUCK: Look! Here's Helena!  
  
OBERON: Duh.  
  
PUCK: This is like a Soap Opera!  
  
OBERON: Soap Opera? I love Soap Operas! [snaps, big Laz-E-Boy appears with popcorn bucket] Bring it on!  
  
LYSANDER: But I love you!  
  
HELENA: Ah, no you don't! You're just making a huge, big joke about it! I mean, think of Hermia!  
  
LYSANDER: [sheepishly] I wasn't thinking when I said I was gonna marry her . . .  
  
HELENA: Dude, you just don't think.  
  
DEMETRIUS: [waking up] THE BRITISH ARE COMING! Uh . . . [sees Helena] Helena! You are a goddess!  
  
HELENA: AGH! YOU STUPID FREAKS! YOU'RE TRYING TO TAUNT ME! GO TO HELL! [walks to a tree and refuses to look at Lysander or Demetrius]  
  
LYSANDER: You are such a loser. [sticks tongue out at Demetrius] You only pretend you love her.  
  
HELENA: Duh. What have I been saying?  
  
DEMETRIUS: Oh, shut up. [sticks tongue out at Lysander] Keep that loser Hermia.  
  
LYSANDER: NO! Helen, it isn't so!  
  
HELENA: There's an 'a' at then end of my name . . . SAY IT RIGHT!  
  
[Hermia comes running in]  
  
HERMIA: LYSANDER! [hugs Lysander]  
  
HELENA: See? I told you so.  
  
HERMIA: Why did you leave me, my love?  
  
LYSANDER: Because I don't love you anymore.  
  
HERMIA: What?  
  
LYSANDER: I love Helena now!  
  
HERMIA: WHAT?!  
  
HELENA: Dude, okay, just drop the act.  
  
HERMIA: Who . . . me?  
  
HELENA: No, the person behind you. [Hermia looks around] Of course I mean you, you twit! I thought we were best friends . . . and you betray me!  
  
HERMIA: But I-  
  
HELENA: Shut. Up.  
  
HERMIA: I really think that you're the one doing the mocking, not me.  
  
HELENA: Oh, pu-leez. Didn't you tell both Lysander and Demetrius to run around following me because you felt sorry for me? Uh huh, you did.  
  
HERMIA: What? I'm so confused.  
  
HELENA: Whatever. I don't need this.  
  
LYSANDER: Stay, lovely Helena!  
  
HELENA: [sarcastically] Excellent!  
  
HERMIA: Lysander, don't tease her.  
  
DEMETRIUS: Fine. If MY love Helena doesn't want you, [sticks tongue out at Lysander] she can have me! [flexes arm muscles]  
  
LYSANDER: Whatever. You are SO lame.  
  
DEMETRIUS: I love her more than you could ever love her!  
  
LYSANDER: Prove it!  
  
DEMETRIUS: I will! [flexes arm muscles and pulls out cardboard sword]  
  
HERMIA: NOO! [grabs on to Lysander's arm, holding him back]  
  
LYSANDER: [gasping] Let [gasp] me [gasp] fight [gasp] DEMETRIUS!  
  
HERMIA: NO!  
  
[Demetrius is laughing hysterically on the ground and Helena is brooding while leaning on a tree]  
  
LYSANDER: GET OFF ME YOU STUPID FREAKIN' CAT!  
  
HERMIA: [lets go in shock] What? Are you kidding?  
  
HELENA: [snorts]  
  
LYSANDER: Okay, Demetrius! You asked for it! [pulls out cardboard sword]  
  
DEMETRIUS: Dude, you just pretty much got beaten up by a girl. I'd hate to injure your ego.  
  
LYSANDER: Oh, I was letting her win.  
  
HERMIA: AGH! Lysander, what the heck is wrong with you?!  
  
LYSANDER: Nothing. I just hate you and love Helena.  
  
DEMETRIUS: Fo shizzle!  
  
[everyone looks blankly at Demetrius]  
  
DEMETRIUS: What?  
  
HELENA: Demetrius . . .  
  
DEMETRIUS: [singsong] What?  
  
HELENA: Please, don't ever do that again.  
  
HERMIA: Oh yeah?! You stupid female dog, you stole my lover!  
  
HELENA: You know what?! YOU'RE the STUPID FEMALE DOG, OKAY?!  
  
HERMIA: WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THAT OTHER PLACE!  
  
HELENA: WHAT OTHER PLACE?!  
  
HERMIA: WHERE YOU CAN STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!  
  
HELENA: BITE ME, BAMBI!!  
  
HERMIA: ARE YOU CALLING ME SHORT?!  
  
HELENA: IN COMPARISON TO ME YOU ARE!  
  
HERMIA: SHUT UP!  
  
[Hermia and Helena start to catfight]  
  
DEMETRIUS: Helena!  
  
LYSANDER: Helena!  
  
DEMETRIUS: You know, if my love's life wasn't in danger, this would be pretty freaking hilarious.  
  
LYSANDER: Yeah, fo shizzle. Wait, YOUR lover?! Excuse me?!  
  
DEMETRIUS: Shut up, dawg. Get away from my love, you dwarf!  
  
LYSANDER: You acorn!  
  
[everyone looks at Lysander blankly; Hermia and Helena stop catfighting]  
  
LYSANDER: What? It was in the original script!  
  
DEMETRIUS: Whatever! You're going down, L-Boy!  
  
LYSANDER and DEMETRIUS: OOGA BOOGA BOOGA! [both run randomly away from the clearing]  
  
HERMIA: This is all your fault.  
  
HELENA: Shuuuuuure. And pigs can fly.  
  
[a pig flies by]  
  
HELENA: I'm not even gonna ask. [runs away]  
  
HERMIA: We-e-ell. [exits]  
  
OBERON: I really hope you understand what you did, Puck.  
  
PUCK: Uh . . .  
  
OBERON: I *really* hope you understand what you did, PUCK!  
  
PUCK: Uh . . . yes! Yeah, I do!  
  
OBERON: Then what?  
  
PUCK: Then what what?  
  
OBERON: What did you do?  
  
PUCK: What?  
  
OBERON: FORGET IT!  
  
PUCK: Forget what?  
  
OBERON: AGH! [blows up, covered in ash when smoke clears]  
  
PUCK: That's gonna sting in the morning.  
  
OBERON: Just . . . just get them all together so we can erase their memories and think this whole ugly mess THAT YOU STARTED!  
  
PUCK: What was that?  
  
OBERON: Uh . . . nothing, but so that they think this whole ugly mess was just a dream. GOT IT? DON'T SCREW IT UP THIS TIME, PUCK!  
  
PUCK: Yessir!  
  
OBERON: Good. [floats away]  
  
[Lysander comes running in, brandishing cardboard sword]  
  
LYSANDER: I know you're here, Demetrius! Come out and fight like a man! [thinks] Or woman . . .  
  
PUCK [in Demetrius' voice, hidden in bush] I'm over here, you scurvy cur!  
  
LYSANDER: You'll pay for that! I see you in that bush! [runs over and tries to stab Puck] OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!  
  
PUCK: AGH! [punches Lysander in the face, who falls over unconscious] That worked out rather nicely.  
  
[Demetrius comes running in]  
  
DEMETRIUS: I heard you, you scurvy cur by the name of Lysander! [runs around stabbing at bushes]  
  
[Puck makes himself invisible]  
  
PUCK: Better think *this* one through. AHEM!  
  
DEMETRIUS: [ignoring bodiless voice] AHA! You're in HERE! [stabs bush] Or not . . . I SEE YOU IN THERE! [runs into tree]  
  
PUCK: [in Lysander's voice] AHEM, you scurvy cur!  
  
DEMETRIUS: [sword stuck in tree] Hark! I am harkening to a holler! It is Lysander! But alas, my sword is stuck in the tree! [pulls] Ugh [grunt] can't [wheeze] get . . .  
  
[Puck drops a coconut on Demetrius' head, who falls down unconscious]  
  
[Helena comes traipsing in]  
  
HELENA: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and-Whoops, wrong musical.  
  
INVISI-PUCK: Oookay. [pulls out tape recorder] Note to self-stay away from Helena.  
  
HELENA: I think I will fall asleep for no good reason. That good?  
  
PUCK: About right.  
  
HELENA: AGH! [gets hit on the head with a coconut, who falls down unconscious]  
  
PUCK: This is fun! Oh look, there's [counts] One, two, three . . . plus one equals five! [thinks] Uh, four.  
  
[Hermia comes running in]  
  
HERMIA: Oh, I am so exhausted from running less than an 8th of a mile, I think I will faint now. [faints]  
  
PUCK: Well that was easy. [flies away to Oberon]  
  
{eNd}  
  
Yes! Another chappie done. Sorry these are so long, the scenes are getting longer and I'm making them more extended. This is 8 pages, almost 9. Insane! 


	7. ACT 4 SCENE 1

(A random nugget of information to those who care-1) Liz Phair's "Why Can't I?" is like the best song ever. Listen to it while you write. 2) Only 2 more chappies! Hurrah! Also, the next Chappies might be a bit subdued. Sorry. Katronette understands . . . )  
  
ACT 4 SCENE 1  
  
[same part of the woods, Helena Demetrius Hermia and Lysander are all asleep or unconscious, sprawled out in various positions; Titania, her fairies and Bottom come in]  
  
TITANIA: And does my love need anything? [makes goo-goo eyes]  
  
BOTTOM: Peaseblossom?  
  
PEASEBLOSSOM: What.  
  
TITANIA: Don't use that tone with my lovely lover!  
  
BOTTOM: Hee!  
  
PEASEBLOSSOM: [high pitched singsong] Wha-a-a-at?  
  
BOTTOM: Scratch my head. Cobweb?  
  
COBWEB: Uh . . . [gets look form Titania] Yeah! What?  
  
BOTTOM: Mounsieur Cobweb, good mounsieur, get you your weapons in your hand, and kill me a red-hipped humble-bee on the top of a thistle; and, good mounsieur, bring me the honey-bag. Do not fret yourself too much in the action, mounsieur; and, good mounsieur, have a care the honey-bag break not; I would be loath to have you overflown with a honey-bag, signor.  
  
COBWEB: Uh . . .  
  
TITANIA: JUST DO IT!  
  
PEASEBLOSSOM: [to Moth] That's Nike's phrase.  
  
MOTH: What the hell is a Nike?  
  
TITANIA: DO IT!  
  
COBWEB: But I don't get it!  
  
[Bottom Yawns]  
  
TITANIA: Oh, you're tired! [Cobweb flies off]  
  
BOTTOM: Mustardseed?  
  
MUSTARDSEED: What.  
  
BOTTOM: Scratch my ears.  
  
MOTH: [to Peaseblossom and Mustardseed] If he ever had an original thought he might implode.  
  
BOTTOM: Hey! Standing right here!  
  
MOTH: Queek! [runs away before Titania goes all Galadriel]  
  
TITANIA: [discreet cough] Uh, would you like to hear some music, lover?  
  
BOTTOM: Yeah, I'm pretty talented in that area m'self.  
  
TITANIA: I'm sure you are!  
  
[All of a sudden Bottom falls asleep]  
  
BOTTOM: [snoring]  
  
TITANIA: Hm . . . he must be sleeping, so I must do whatever my love does! [falls asleep]  
  
MOTH: [to Peaseblossom and Mustardseed] Which one of you put the sleeping draught in his drink?  
  
[Fairies wander off, Oberon walks in]  
  
OBERON: Dude!  
  
PUCK: [sticks his head around tree] A-HA! Point for me! [disappears]  
  
OBERON: [mutters] Never making a bet with Puck again . . . huh. Anyway. Titania! Wakey-wakey! [pours water on her face, washing out the nectar and waking her up]  
  
TITANIA: [discombobulated] the hell? Oh, howdy, Oberon. I dreamt I was in love with an ass!  
  
OBERON: [coughs]  
  
TITANIA: Not you, you dumb butt.  
  
OBERON: Oh. Oh. Look behind you.  
  
TITANIA: [turns around and sees Bottom] AHG!  
  
OBERON: AHG!  
  
TITANIA: AGH!  
  
OBERON: AHG!  
  
TITANIA: AGH!  
  
OBERON: BLOODY HELL! JUST GET THE DAMN MUSIC OVER HERE, PUCK!  
  
[Puck brings in boom box and turns it on, it starts playing 'Hot in Herre']  
  
TITANIA: Well, okay.  
  
[They all dance out]  
  
[Theseus and his hunting party come into the clearing]  
  
THESEUS: I knew it! I told you the elusive Snigglebumbers play cheesy rap during the mating season! I told you so!  
  
HIPPOLYTA: Huh.  
  
THESEUS: oh! Ohmuhgod! And this one time -  
  
HIPPOLYTA: At band camp?  
  
THESEUS: No, no, that's later. And this one time, when I was hunting, I killed 10 Ubleros!  
  
HIPPOLYTA: Wow. So. Shocked. I can't contain my excitement.  
  
THESEUS: [oblivious to sarcasm] Well, you're doing a pretty good job.  
  
HIPPOLYTA: [sighs] Well, when I was in the Amazon, I once destroyed an entire herd of cow with one breath.  
  
THESEUS: You know, you sure are beautiful, but do you have to put me down all the time?  
  
HIPPOLYTA: [signs] I was kidding.  
  
THESEUS: Dude! Look at the kiddies! Man, that's a hot one!  
  
EGEUS: That's my daughter, you idiot!  
  
THESEUS: [pensive] Why so it is! Wait . . . what's your daughter doing with all these dudes!  
  
HELENA: [in sleep] And me . . .  
  
EGEUS: Was my daughter . . . eloping?! WITH the MAN WHO GAVE HER . . . [shrieks] RHYMES?!  
  
[Everyone who was asleep wakes up, birds fly out of trees]  
  
LYSANDER: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING I SWEAR!!!  
  
HERMIA: DAAAADDY I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP!!!  
  
HELENA: WHY IS EVERYONE SCREAMING?  
  
DEMETRIUS: HERMIA I THINK YOUR MOM IS REALLY HOT!!!  
  
[Everyone stares at Demetrius]  
  
DEMETRIUS: What? She is!  
  
EGEUS: A - HEM!  
  
DEMETRIUS: [nervously] I was kidding, sir . . .  
  
THESEUS: [snoring] Fish . . . FLAPPING PANCAKES!  
  
HIPPOLYTA: Bored now. Let's go, train!  
  
[Sleeping Theseus, Egeus, Hippolyta and train exit, leaving Demetrius, Helena, Lysander and Hermia]  
  
HERMIA: say - did anyone else have a freaky weird dream?  
  
HELENA: You mean where you guys [points to Lysander and Demetrius] were madly in love with me and Hermia and I got into a cat fight?  
  
DEMETRIUS: Yeah, then Lysander and I got into a fight?  
  
LYSANDER: You mean with all the evil bunnies with carrot sticks of doom?  
  
[All stare at Lysander]  
  
HELENA: [to Hermia] You're going to be stuck with that man for the rest of your life, you know . . .  
  
HERMIA: Yeah, but he's a hottie. So's you're man, by the way.  
  
HELENA: Tell me about it.  
  
[the two of them walk away]  
  
DEMETRIUS: You still suck.  
  
LYSANDER: So do you. And Hermia's mom is not a hottie.  
  
DEMETRIUS: Oh, but she is.  
  
LYSANDER: NOT!  
  
DEMETRIUS: TOO!  
  
LYSANDER: NOT!  
  
DEMETRIUS: TOO!  
  
[they both walk away]  
  
BOTTOM: [waking up] GUAH! I thought a fairy was doting on my every whim! Man, elaborate fantasies. [thinks] I know! When I find Quince and the rest of his . . . uh, dudes, I'll ask him to write a song for me about my dream! And we'll call it "Bottom's Dream", cuz it has no bottom! And then . . .  
  
[Bottom Walks off singing]  
  
BOTTOM: WOOooo, In mah dreeeeaaam, there was thiiiiiIIIIsss chiiiiick, oooooWOOOOoooo!  
  
{eNd}  
  
Sorry about the delay between last chapter and this one! School, ya know? Enjoy, A4S2 coming sooN! 


	8. ACT 4 SCENE 2

ACT 4 SCENE 2  
  
Yahoooo! Almost done, chicas, this one's a bit short, lo siento mucho. Enjoy!  
  
(A/N: My abbreviations for Act 1 Scene 1 etc. are going to be A1S1 etc. Just sos ya knows.)  
  
***  
  
[Quince is sitting by himself in a rocking chair beside a roaring fire, only not.]  
  
QUINCE: Don't criticize! It's my fire! Not yours!  
  
[Shut up. I'm the authoress, and I can criticize whomever I want.]  
  
QUINCE: [grumbles incoherently]  
  
[Snout, Flute and Starveling]  
  
SNOUT: [dressed in Ghetto clothes; baggy pants, varsity shirt, sideways hat, chains etc.] Yo yo yo mah homey G! What's up in da hood?  
  
QUINCE: Shut up. Didja find Ass Head - uh - Bottom?  
  
FLUTE: No. I think he's hiding from us.  
  
STARVELING: But he has a nice voice . . .  
  
[all stare at Starveling]  
  
QUINCE: Ooookay. So. He's never going to show up, so who's going to be Pyramus?  
  
FLUTE: Not I.  
  
STARVELING: Not I.  
  
QUINCE: Not I.  
  
SNOUT: Oh! I know this! And the little red hen said, "I will bake the bread!"  
  
[all stare at Snout]  
  
SNOUT: I love that story!  
  
[Bottom comes running in, singing]  
  
BOTTOM: Aaaaaaand Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm baaaaaaaack!  
  
[Quince and company cover ears and wince, glass breaks]  
  
QUINCE: [shouting] I thought you said he had a good voice!  
  
STARVELING: [shouting] I lied! I lied! Forgive me, God!  
  
FLUTE: [screaming] What?! What are we talking about?!  
  
BOTTOM: You guys suck.  
  
QUINCE: [breathing heavily] Thank God he stopped.  
  
BOTTOM: You still suck. Aren't you supposed to be glad to see me?  
  
FLUTE: Oh. Yeah. BOTTOM!  
  
SNOUT: BOTTOM!  
  
STARVELING: BOTTOM!  
  
QUINCE: BOTTOM!  
  
FLUTE: BOTTOM!  
  
SNOUT: BOTTOM!  
  
STARVELING: BOTTOM!  
  
QUINCE: BOTTOM!  
  
FLUTE: BOTTOM!  
  
BOTTOM: SHUT UP ALREADY!  
  
FLUTE: You wanted an entrance, loser.  
  
BOTTOM: huh. Guess what happened to me?  
  
QUINCE: [sighing heavily] What now?  
  
BOTTOM: I got molested by a fairy!  
  
[No one reacts for a minute]  
  
STARVELING: Eeew.  
  
SNOUT: That's disgusting.  
  
QUINCE: Thanks for sharing. Now I'm going to be traumatized until I'm 64.  
  
FLUTE: Wait. Was it a female fairy - or a male fairy?  
  
[No one reacts for a minute]  
  
STARVELING: Eeew!  
  
SNOUT: That's even more disgusting.  
  
QUINCE: Scarred for life! Agh!  
  
BOTTOM: It was a female fairy you morons!  
  
FLUTE: ohhh. That . . . doesn't make sense.  
  
BOTTOM: Why are we even having this conversation?  
  
QUINCE: You started it.  
  
SNOUT: Okay, lets practice our play, savvy?  
  
ALL: Yes!  
  
QUINCE: Finally, a good idea.  
  
{eNd}  
  
Sorry, short act. Also, about the whole 'molested' thing? My friend and I were reading ahead together, and while everyone else was on A1S1, we were like, A3S1. Then my friend was like, "Doesn't Titania molest?" Which brought a really loud, "EW!" everyone stared at us. Heh. Last chappie SOON! 


End file.
